12/27/2009

Is it so wrong that I wish pain, suffering, and death even, unto those who have crossed me? And, is it so wrong that if I have not given you the label of 'friend' that I have slapped you with the label of 'enemy'? Is it so wrong that even in a fit of anger I would still rather fuck on a sheet of ice than fight? And, is it so wrong that I, in an attempt at advancement of self, have stepped, without regret or sorrow, over those who have fallen to the ground?

Is it so wrong to say that I would like to see those who have ever doubted, or wrongfully judged me, gutted and beheaded, so that I may parade the streets with their filthy fucking heads on a blunt stick? And is it so wrong that I have admittedly shared a cup with sinners, sadists, rapists, and murderers? Is it so wrong that I truly do not give a fuck about what is going on in Africa, Afghanistan, Iraq, Tibet, or any other fucking place in which I do not inhabit? And, is it so wrong that I do not feel sympathy toward those who I am not acquainted with?

Is it so wrong that I would rather sleep until noon than ever get up and work for a living? And, is it so wrong that I would rather see the Devil himself elected into political office than to see another lying foolish pig politician? Is it so wrong to say that the only Gods I recognize are plural and cannot, will not, and should not, ever, under any given circumstance, be worshiped, unlike Jesus-Fucking-Christ? Is it so wrong that I do not feel a fallen soldier of war should be placed high on a pedestal to be honored and made a hero of? And, is it so wrong that I feel, in all honesty, that if you are so fucking miserable, for whatever reason, that the smartest thing you may possibly be able to do is just light off the fireworks, pull the plug, and blow your fucking brains out all over the street?

Is this so wrong? If so, I would never dream of being right.

12/25/2008

Sitting in the room
of my childhood
Christmas day 2008
waving goodbye to one life
and hello to another

I'm waving goodbye
to the innocence
of first loves
and saying hello to
a girl who dreams
of a different kind of
white Christmas

I'm waving goodbye
to the mad days and nights
and saying hello to
an attempt at real
peace

Sitting in the room
of my childhood
Christmas day 2008
waving goodbye to one life
and hello to another

I'm waving goodbye
to the manipulation
and the using and abusing
and saying hello to
living a life of monogamy

I'm waving goodbye
to the emotional wall I've built up
and am saying hello to
making an attempt
at giving away my diseased
and damaged heart

Sitting in the room
of my childhood
Christmas day 2008
waving goodbye to one life
and hello to another

I'm waving goodbye
to putting myself first
in every situation
and am saying hello
to a union of two

I'm waving goodbye
to lying and cheating
and am saying hello to
holding her close
and hoping I never
have to let her go

Sitting in the room
of my childhood
Christmas day 2008
waving goodbye to one life
and hello to another

I'm waving goodbye
to my temperamental timebomb
and am saying hello
to one
day
at
a
time

I'm waving goodbye
to the hatred and the anger
and the fear
and am saying hello
to love

Sitting in the room
of my childhood
Christmas day 2008
waving goodbye to one life
and hello to another

8/26/2008

It's amazing to think
this moon I'm staring up at
is the exact same moon
that somebody 400 miles away
could be staring up at
right this second

It really touches the heart-
it shows me something

What it shows me
is that no matter what-
no matter where we are
or how alone we feel
we're never really alone
I mean, hey-
I'm sure there's someone else
out there
right this second
staring up at the moon
and thinking
the exact
same thing.

In the Dream (for Ranise)

In the dream you're there
and I'm there
I swear it's real
we're both really there

In the dream we're still speaking
and we're laying in your bed together
holding each other
and I can smell your scent
and taste you on my tongue
and my lips

I can feel your breath
entering and exiting
your all too enticing body

In the dream you fall asleep and I remain
awake
and I'm planting kisses on your
lips
chest
neck
and cheeks
and it's real
I know it's real

In the dream we're consuming one another
like hungry mad angels of Summer
and we're inseparable-
like I'm handcuffed to you

In the dream we're in love
and I'm not scared to tell you how I feel-
how I want nothing more than to
make you
love me
and how I want to hold you in my
skinny tattooed arms
while planting kisses on your head
and NEVER
let you go

I want to save you from a single day
of discontentment
and I want to rip away any hurt
that I've caused you and
I want to hold you forever and feel your breath on my neck
and face and chest
and I want to whisper the words
"I love..."
and have you believe them
and believe in me

In the dream it's real-
I know it's real
and it's sweet enough
to make me never want to wake
again.

6/23/2008

I know-
I don't use my words
like you'd like me to

I don't say the right things
at the right time-
nor at the wrong

Instead I keep them in
all for me
and my own
all those words
that I could use
to make YOU feel ME

Stupid
selfish
distant
and deeply detached
is how this makes me look
to you-
I'm sure of it

But I'm fighting myself to change
and you're breaking down this self-made wall
that protects me
and keeps all others at a safe distance
far far away
one brick at a time, so keep pounding away

Because, see-
even through this blacked out eye
I'm beginning to see

What I'm seeing
is what you're forcing me to see-
and that is
maybe
just maybe you're right

Maybe I should just let you inside
and give in
and open up to you
before it's too late
and those cold winds begin to blow and chill our bones
and you're boarding some fucking plane or train out west somewhere-
leaving me alone
with an aching skull, a hole in my heart, and at least 1,000 words I'll have wished I would have said
to you.

6/17/2008

So that apology-
you know
the one where I told you sorry
for telling lies about you
and sorry for sticking my cock in that other girl's
open and inviting snatch
while I still called you
my girlfriend
and
about how
I was at the lowest point of my life
and that's why I was such a bastard to you-
Remember that?

Yeah-
Well, that was bullshit
and I want to take that back

Because honestly, babe
I don't care now
and I really didn't care then
and if I were to do it over with you
I'd do it exactly the same as I did before

So you can go right ahead
sick some guy on me
I'll LET him beat me mercilessly

Because, baby
I truly never gave a shit
and that-
is the honest
word-blood
truth.

12/25/2007

I could tell you of lost loves,
lost money, and lost times.
I could croon softly in your ear
and whisper sweet sexy sensual
nothings.
I could tell you of broken hearts,
broken knuckles
broken noses
broken broken
broke.
I could tell you of hookers
and taxi cabs
and grams of
cocaine
hidden from the world
behind a plastic door.
I could tell you about the rages
the anger
the fear.
I could tell you of the suicides
and of how many times
I've lost myself
in vain
to the heart's of girls worldwide.
I could tell you of the lies I've told
dished out
unassumingly.
I could tell you of pissing myself
in a drunken stupor
on a cold hotel room floor
in Cleveland, Ohio.
I could tell you of the times I've cheated
with other women
or the times I've put the scam on a poor fool.
I could tell you of vomiting my guts out
onto a cold damp Michigan driveway
after pulling a blade on
some unfortunate lost soul.
I could tell you of kissing your best friend on her lips
I could tell you of stealing money from your sock drawer
I could tell you of crashing your computer because of the Internet porn I downloaded
I could tell you it
all.
All of it.
The dirtiest
most lowdown goddamn
darkest
secrets
I have.
But, I mean it is fucking Christmas.
Do you really want to hear that shit
today?

There’s this lady
Old
80 years old or so
She sits on the bench in my front yard
She’s been doing this
apparently
for years
So today while out barbecuing with the girls
the old lady shows up
sits on the same bench
she’s been sitting on for years
Fuck this- I thought
I’m kickin’ the old bitch out
I don’t care
You wanna sit your sit go sit it
at the goddamn watering hole down the block
So I told ‘em allllllll
I’m kickin’ her ass out!
And my roommate’s pretty blonde alkie cigarette puffin’ porn watchin’
friend
leaps up and tells me
honestly
"Matt, no. You don’t know what it’s like to be 80 years old! Don’t do it."
I gave that some thought
then said ‘Fuck that. The old bitch is out’
and when I went up there and saw that old gal I stopped
looked at her-
really looked at her
and all I could mutter was
‘hi’
and when I said hi she smiled and she said hi
right
back
Then I sat on the porch
and she sat on the bench
and we both looked out at the boulevard
admiring humanity and weather and warmth
Then I got to thinking
No
I don’t know what it’s like to be 80 years old

So I started making assumptions
and generalizations
about this old lady
Probably an 80-something-year-old-widow
2 kids who live 700 miles away
Rarely sees them
or speaks with them
on the phone
Finds solace from loneliness
somehow
in sitting on that fucking bench
Then I thought more
No
I don’t know what it’s like to be 80
But
I do know sad
and I do know desperate
and I do know pain
and I do know alone
and
I have honest-to-god-fucking-christ-knife-aimed-at-eye
begged
With that
I let the old woman be
and we-together- stared off into a perfect Chicago sunset

6/15/2007

My writer friend Graham was over
for a visit
and some drinks
and
conversation-
mostly about writing
He wanted to see my new shit
sooooo
I showed him
and
he read it all
and
he liked it, really liked it
said I was on my way to becoming
a hell of a writer
See,
this friend of mine
Graham
is a damn fine writer
a real word fanatic
a master storyteller
and
a genius at wordplay
so
getting a compliment from him about my art is
highly rewarding
We drank and talked
about Bukowski
Burroughs
both Fante’s
Selby
Carver
Nat West, etc.
We eventually got into poetry
Graham said he hadn’t written
a poetry piece in years
then said poetry was writing at its most bare
down straight to the bone
into the marrow
Then I realized something:
I don’t even know what poetry is
really
I'm an unschooled-nearly-dropped-out-of-highschool-'hood
from the poor side of town
I have no idea what it is that I think
I’m doing
as far as style or form is concerned
no clue what-so-ever
except
for trying
to break and tear down this wall I’ve built up
to protect myself from years
and miles
and hours
of pain
frustration
heart ache
suicide
addiction
self-hatred
and depression
See-
what I’m doing
here
now
is opening my heart up
trying to let you-the reader, whoever you may be- inside
to get into the real
bare bones
heart and blood and flesh
of me
I’m giving you me
naked
unprotected
and vulnerable
on the page for all to see
That-
precisely
is what
I'm doing
and why
I’m doing this
for you and I to connect
for me to open up my heart (and that's not easy for a macho madman like me to do)
and for you to see
and hear
and smell
and touch
and goddamn FEEL
what is
my heart's purest
thoughts

Things Change

I met this girl
while out drinking
with the bassist in my new band
We danced dumb
to stupid punk songs
about Christ-knows-what
We had fun
and at the end of the night
I didn’t try to fuck her
or
even try to kiss her
Instead I asked her for her number
which she gave to me
and I texted her
on my way home
We set up a date
and met up on a Tuesday
in Wicker Park
We sat out on the sidewalk
and ate
and drank
and talked
trying to get to know one another
Still,
I didn’t try to fuck her
or
even kiss her
We went out for a couple beers at
this weird damn bar
and then we walked to the train station
We stood out there
and I was unsure
of what she would do
but I pressed my lips
into hers
and she pressed
hers right back ironically
into mine
and
it felt sooooo damn good
and I was happy
and she was beaming
and on my way home
while tasting
and savoring
her strawberry lip balm
on my lips
I thought-
wow, this is a first
and you know
it feels pretty
fucking
good
to finally not be the biggest
sleaziest
sluttiest
most unworthy
sons-of-bitches-in-the-world-for-once
and
for a fucking change.